Happy July 10th, everyone. So, as the rest of the country kicked off the summer with cookouts and fireworks and blackout drinking, the usual progressive killjoys spoke up to remind us of what a terrible place America really is. It’s like expecting Betsy Ross’s flag and ending up with Jane Fonda’s dirty girdle. Dirty girdle. I don’t know what that means. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, part of an enormous multinational European corporation, offered their Happy Birthday message to Americans last week by proclaiming that the country was stolen land and should be given back to indigenous peoples. The company advises to start with Mt. Rushmore.
A lousy idea since there’s no way a mountain can sustain a casino. But then something awesome happened. Turns out Ben & Jerry’s headquarters are located on land which the Abenaki Native American nation says belongs to them. Yeah, I’m tasting a new flavor of ice cream, and it’s hypocrite and honey. In fact, Abenaki Chief Don Stevens, that’s the Abenaki Chief Don Stevens, The Don Stevens, told Newsweek he’d be interested in a meeting with the company to discuss the land being returned and, you don’t get more Native American than, you know, Don Stevens. Right?
Wasn’t he the husband from Bewitched? I don’t know. That was Dan. I don’t know, Dean. Who cares? No heckling! But Don Stevens sounds like the name Bill Hemmer gives when he stays at the Red Roof Inn out by the airport. I’m sorry. I just prefer my indigenous people to have more traditional names like Chief Running Bear or Liz Warren. But in the ice cream maker’s defense, you could say everywhere in America or in the world, in fact, once belonged to someone else.
My apartment is actually over an old burial ground. I know this because I did the burying. In fact, even the Indian tribe that wants Mt. Rushmore back, the Lakota, apparently took it from other Indian tribes. So if you’re sincere, Ben & Jerry’s, then you should start with your own HQ. I’m sure there are plenty of Native Americans more than willing to dispossess you of your, no doubt, multiple homes. And since you live in Vermont, you could give away all your homes and still rent one from Bernie Sanders. After all, you came up with those 98 flavors on stolen land and not one of them named after a tribe or a chief. There’s no “Reservation Ripple.” “Smoke Signals Sorbet.” “Peace Pipe Pistachio.” Big cover-up. That’s what it is. And as others have pointed out, you made your ice cream from the milk of cows who never consented, right? Yeah. We had the MeToo movement. Maybe it’s time for a Moo2 movement.
But here’s the good news. And I’m sure you won’t get grossed out by this. The Centers for Disease Control just issued guidelines for how biological men can chest feed children, meaning men who identify as women can now take drugs so they can breastfeed like women, which means B and J, if you’re truly progressive, stop taking milk from cows who can’t consent and get the milk from biological men with boobs who can. It came from here (Gutfeld pointing at his brain). It came from in here somewhere. And you can call the new flavor – “Dylan Mulvaney Munch.” Just don’t ask what the crunchy bits are. They identify as toffee. You see, as someone smart once said, idealism exists in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem. From a mountain in Vermont, giving away Mt. Rushmore must make a person feel pretty righteous. But no matter how much they virtue signal Ben & Jerry’s, they’re not going to give up their stolen land.
BEN & JERRY’S SUPPLIERS USE MIGRANT CHILD LABOR, DESPITE COMPANY’S ‘PROGRESSIVE’ VALUES
Because as soon as progressives face the realities of their virtue signaling, they disappear like an investigation into West Wing cocaine. Remember the migrants DeSantis flew into Martha’s Vineyard? Fifty! Among the millions who had entered the country illegally caused the biggest panic that island’s seen since the great arugula shortage of 2013.
They were welcomed like a shark with genital warts. On New York’s Long Island, the Shinnecock Indian Nation has been asking for the Hamptons back for years. The celebrities say no thanks, but Don Lemon said, ‘Tell me more about this Shinnecock.’ He’s just interested in other cultures–that contain ****. Silicon-based life for Mark Zuckerberg’s donated millions to anti-cop groups, all while spending 43 million on his own security. So he doesn’t want to defund all police, just your police. I hope Elon Musk Roundhouse kicks his head right out of the Octagon, but it’s all the same screaming, right?
Support for things you exempt yourself from thanks to wealth and power. So Ben & Jerry’s, we’re not giving back Mt. Rushmore. And after the fallout caused by you crapping on the 4th of July, you might want to contemplate a new flavor – “Chunky Chapter 11.” You can make it with Bud Light and sell it exclusively at Target.